Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Rest in Peace Torn

There is no song.  Pour out your heaviest metal and your angriest rap in memory.
If you came for a game design thing I said I'd be posting, come back tomorrow. This takes precedence.

I'm a member of a small (very small) community called Kakariko Graveyard. Many of us were also members at a predecessor forum, The Forest Haven. One member, Torn (formerly Torn&Filthy) was a good friend of mine. He had a lot of issues with trust and depression and went through periods of trying to splice himself entirely out of the online communities and social networks he was in, get a fresh start. When I stopped hearing from him in March, I assumed this is what happened.

However, it's been quite a while since I last heard from him. I got worried. Maybe he really had just entirely shifted communities or something...but alas, yesterday I discovered his obituary. There are too many similarity points between the obituary and my friend to be a mistake identity, even with a common name like Jordan Miller. My friend is gone, died literally the day after I last saw him, tweeting about the upcoming Assassin's Creed games.
I keep cycling through thoughts. Torn had a regular history of depression, and while all my recent experience of him had made me think he was doing better at the time, I can't help but fixate on the idea of suicide. Had there been warning signs that I missed? Was there anything I could have said? Was I a bad friend for taking this long to discover what happened? And then I realize I'm making it about me and I feel worse about doing that. And the worst part is that I don't know the cause of death. It might very well have been an accident of some kind. I don't know. I just fear that I let him down.

Torn was one of the first figures whose name I remember from my original foray into the internet. I must have met him over ten years ago at TFH. I didn't get to know him well there - I didn't get close to anyone there really. But I felt close to him at KG, through all the bad shit that came his way. He was unlucky, and I wish we'd all treated him a bit better at times. I won't pretend he didn't get annoying at times - he didn't believe in vaccines and had extremely strong ideas about nutrition, and would get moody if he didn't think we were paying enough attention, but there was never any real animosity. We loved him.

My deepest condolences to his family. And if any of his other friends want to talk, I'm free and open.
We miss you Torn. Rest in peace.

End Recording,

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